Hi Tim,
So I've been meaning to write to you since this Valentines weekend. It's been a weird feeling for me lately, as words usually come pretty naturally to me but lately, well, it's just been hard to express how I feel and what I really want to say.
I started seeing a woman since early Fall. It's been wonderful , and beautiful . She is sweet , attractive, great taste in music, beautiful voice , she is talented, and most of all she is real and authentic and down to earth! We recently agreed that we will try and be friends and what sucks is that a lot of that has to do with my distancing myself the last month or two. She seemed jealous , asking me if I spoke with other women at all or dated anyone. Also noticed a hair on my jacket which freaked me out and seemed overly possessive. I am in a transitional stage in my life and really am trying to make space to grow personally, creatively , etc. also I am learning to love myself and it is sometimes hard for me to accept someone's love. Things between me and (her name is Easter Bunny) started to seem more and more serious. As well as a sense of fear and jealousy on her end which did turn me off. I have felt emotional lows the last few weeks as we have been on and off, and this feels like a tail end in our relationship. I feel terrible because she's amazing and I feel like an asshole. Also I'm worried I let go of something beautiful and real. I don't want to hurt anyone and the whole situation scared me. I miss her and we are talking here and there but it seems things just won't be the same again.
Any feedback, advice or experience you can share with me? I need some perspective and this was hard for me to express even in writing. I feel confused and sad.
Thanks.
Santa Claus
Dear Santa,
I am here to tell you it's okay to want what you want. And to not want what you don't.
I could not help noticing that you signed your real name (which I have slightly altered) and made a point of including the other person's name (also upgraded) as well. I suspect there was a hope of these "accidentally" being published, thereby sending a message to Easter. It's a small world.
I think the message you'd like to send her is,
"Easter, you are a truly wonderful person, but this relationship is killing me. Don't be mad at me. It's not my fault. And you're kind of a jealous freak.
Love, Santa."
Some information, however, you did not include was whether or not you were actually seeing other people at the time. And in the glowing attributes of Easter you did not mention how the sex was. I am assuming there was sex. There may not have been. But even that is worth a mention, especially less than six months in.
The main feeling I am getting from this letter is one of guilt and the wish to avoid feeling guilty. If there was a question for me here, which there is not, but if there was I think it would be,
"Tim, how can I get the hell out of this thing with out anybody being mad at me or even liking me any less and, oh yeah, maybe leave the door open a little so I can come back if I change my mind?" If you had asked that question, this would be my answer:
You can't. You can't because you are not a sociopath. That's the kind of shit sociopaths do. Leave it to the professionals.You're just a guy.
Being your own person, more often than not, is uncomfortable, uncool and inconvenient. For you and for those around you. But it is the only way forward. It is difficult for many of us to not want what some one else wants, but our way is not their way. We all have to take our own unique path through a very complicated world and the only guide is the inner compass of our own desire.
How much of your life are you willing to spend seeking approval? Is it really practical?
On the practical front:
You're out, if you wanna be. You're over it. Whatever your reasons are.....like you don't want to have sex with her, or you only want to have sex with her, or you want to be alone, or you want to be with someone else, or she's more into it than you are so you feel weird, or she smells like turpentine, I don't know. Whatever your reasons are, they are your reasons and they are good enough.
Being just friends with some one who I was just having sex with and who wanted something other than what I wanted from the relationship has never worked for me. I've not seen it work. Someone's always just pissed off or waiting. Mostly both. Or you just end up having sex all the time. But if you're into all the drama of that kind of thing, go for it. Me, I got my nose broken. She has other friends. So do you. Give it a break. Down the road, who knows?
Guilt has no place in this relationship stuff. In this case it is just a way of punishing yourself for stating your desire. Guilty of what exactly? May I suggest there is a bit of, "How can I deprive her of my awesome excellence?" It sounds grandiose. It is. We all do it. She'll live.
Her jealousy does seem a little out of line but I think you are using it to convince yourself it's okay to leave. As if your wish to do so was not enough.
My experience has been that when I have honestly told someone that I was through, without giving them more information than they need in order to know where they stand, without trying to alleviate my guilt, without putting it on them in some way and without dismissing it or running away, they have generally respected me for it. And afterword, I thought it was the kindest way to treat someone. With respect. With kindness. And please don't do the, "I'm just really messed up. I must be twisted to not want to be with you, cuz you are sooooo great" thing. You'll be lucky to walk away without a fork in your eye.
Which brings up the possibility that you are just messed up and afraid of commitment. Right? You're really screwed up. No relationships for you. Cuz you're just bad. Bad, Bad, Bad. WAKE UP, SANTA CLAUS!!! You are just a guy. Not a heart breaker, not a misanthrope. Not a tortured artist (wait, What?) Just a man learning to follow his desire. Own it, Santa!
Now, I want you to take yourself on a nice date. Don't be cheap! You'll find your way.
Love Yourself
Nobody Can Do It For You,
Tim Foljahn