from 2/20

Dear Tim Love Man, 

I was in a crappy 2 year relationship and thankfully got out of it! Three months after we broke up, I met a great guy online. He and I are compatible and solve problems well and enjoy each other's company. I really love him and could see myself with him for a long time. We've been together for 1 year now and he just asked me to move in. I feel so great about it! But last night he asked about that 3 month period between breaking up with my ex and before he and I met. He asked if I had dated in that time and I was honest about it because I have nothing to hide from him. Well, he wasn't happy with the that information and decided to let me know. How was I to know the guy I would want to spend my life with was going to have an issue with the guy i slept with to get over my ex? 

Dear I Didn't Catch your Name, 

My immediate questions are "Why did Prince Charming ask a question he didn't seem to want the answer to?" and "Why did he wait until after he had already asked you to move in?". My guess is that yours is exactly the sort of answer he wanted because he needed an edge. Now he has something he can throw in your face every time he's feeling threatened. And I guarantee he will and probably has numerous times already just to make sure it works. It's purpose is to shame you. And it works even though it's not something you're really ashamed of. He is throwing some heavy Psy Ops here. My guess is he has a few other similar strategies in play as well. 
So that's him. What about you? Here are some more Questions: 
1. Have you had any serious time in your life just being by yourself? You know, just hanging out with your friends and hanging out with yourself, not in a relationship or actively seeking one. It's not a requirement, but it is a good way to learn about your real wants and desires. 
2. Do you really want to move in with a guy you've known for a year (ten months?) when from the looks of this letter the enjoying of each others problem solving compatibility is out the window in favor of hostile paranoia? 
3. Did you want to spend your life with Crappy 2 Year before you found out he was a jerk? 
4. Is this what you really want? 
Now, I know you don't know the answer to the last one. That's the point. Look, I am not saying this guy is a jerk. Well, maybe I am but that's beside the point. The point! The point is you deserve to be in a relationship with some one you can trust. First of all, trust yourself. Don't sell yourself out for a little affection. 
My advice is walk away. If you move in together before you get all this really sorted out you can expect, at best, to be feeling bad about yourself most of the time. I don't like this shame trap stuff. It is mean spirited. You deserve better. 
Of course, It's possible you could move in and he would feel more secure and his behavior will improve and your misgivings will magically fade away. Just kidding. That never happens. There is no hurry here. I think it would be good to examine your patterns in dating and relationships of all kinds. See where you have really been rewarded with Joy and where you've taken a beating. This does not include you thinking you have a "bad picker". 
If you really do love this guy, You should tell him what's bothering you. If you two can't talk about this, what can you talk about? If he cannot hear you, that's your cue to skidoo. 

Love Yourself 
Nobody Can Do It For You, 
Tim Foljahn

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  • Alex
    Alex United Kingdom
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